INTRODUCTION

“Step right up. Come one, come all.” What you read in these pages just might save your life.

Right now, in every nation around the globe, the greatest danger isn’t nuclear proliferation or the possibility of World War III. It is, in fact, clowns. I know what you’re thinking—sure, these red-nosed jokers are creepy, but they’re not really dangerous, and all those rumors about clowns and crime (such as the size-22 shoe prints found near where they last saw Jimmy Hoffa) are just the sensational drivel of conspiracy theorists.

Those kinds of naïve misconceptions are exactly what people think right before they get stabbed in a neighborhood controlled by clown gangs.

The truth is, while plenty of these bozos are capable of only acts such as petty theft right before they drunkenly pee their pants, too many others commit much worse crimes—especially if you provoke them. Clowns are everywhere, both in costume and in plainclothes, and if you encounter one mano a clowno, your best-case outcome is a traumatized child (and adult); the worst is loss of loot, limb, or life.

For decades these performers have haunted us—at Halloween fright fests, in the depths of carnival funhouses, and in Batman movies. All the while, we wonder what the heck they’re hiding in those enormous shoes. Weapons? Booze? A syringe? Probably all three—we just don’t know. We generally don’t know anything about a clown—hence our fear of them. And after decades of their multiplying unchecked and engaging in a public relations campaign to make us believe they’re symbols of jollity and happiness, our planet now confronts a full-blown bozo epidemic.

It’s with all this in mind that I, founder of the anti-clown group Red Nose Alert, sat down to compose this life-saving guide. Both my grandfathers suffered assaults at the hands of deranged jokers years ago, so I learned from a young age that clowns are just as violent and demented as we’ve suspected. We at Red Nose Alert want to share our knowledge with you before it’s too late.

However evil you may already think these performers are, they’re worse. Some will assault bystanders for no reason; others are working with much grander goals in mind. Want details? Brace yourself. Clown cartels control illicit drug distribution channels, black-market organ sales, and pantaloon outlet stores in every major city worldwide. To keep their numbers high, they abduct and brainwash children to join their polka-dotted ranks. And once they’ve collected enough money, children, and helium, they’ll realize their ultimate goal of world domination—where brutal “clown law” is absolute and final.

Have you ever wondered why clowns eat so many Twinkies? It’s because these cream-filled snacks can survive a nuclear blast, and clowns are convinced that if they consume enough Twinkies, no amount of radiation will be able to stop them. After the nuclear fallout, all that will be left are cockroaches and clowns—which was exactly their plan all along. Meanwhile, every year, while the public continues to believe that clowns are happy, peppy people at best, and a little creepy but harmless at worst, they inch that much closer to the front door and your toddler.

But fear not. Now that you are aware of the imminent danger, you’re much safer than you were sixty seconds ago. The next thing you can do is rip up those tickets to the circus and then sit down to learn everything you can about protecting yourself and your family. Do you know how to use a banana peel or exploding cigar to stop a group of approaching jokers? How shoe color designates clown gang rankings? We will teach you all that and more.

In these pages, you’ll learn everything you need to know about clown anatomy and attire, clown props, locations and gatherings of clowns, clown attacks, infamous clowns (serial killer John Wayne Gacy, anyone?), and more. So what you need to do now is go to the window and listen for circus music or any hyuk-hyuk laughter. Peer out into the street to check for unicycle graffiti symbols or plainclothes clown gangsters selling laughing gas right there in broad daylight. If it’s all clear, then you’re safe—for now. Deadbolt the doors and settle in. This book will no doubt save your skin.