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TABLE OF CONTENTS

Forward

Narcissism and Altruism in Daily Life - Brief Testimonials

Introduction

Narcissus in Greek Mythology

Definitions of Narcissism and Altruism

Narcissism - What does it mean to be narcissistic?

Altruism - What does it mean to be altruistic?

Discovering the Cause of Narcissism and Altruism

The Causal Relationship

Consequences and Examples

The Causal Resolution of Narcissism and Altruism

Case Examples

The Purpose of a Personality Shift toward Narcissism/Altruism

The Constellations

The Narcissistic Constellation

The Altruistic Constellation

Purpose of the Constellations

Paths to the Resolution of Personality Imbalances

The COMPASS OF THE INNER CENTER - a Path to a Balanced Personality

What it Means to Be, with Your Personality in the Center

Testimonials on the Cause and Resolution of Narcissism and Altruism

Left at the Farmhouse Gate - Altruist

Summers in Bitterfeld - Narcissist

Lonely in the Garden - Altruist and Narcissist

A Love in My Homeland - Altruist and Narcissist

The Beloved Dog and the Cruel World - Altruist and Narcissist

So What If I’m a Narcissist? - Mirror on a Narcissistic Society

Altruism in the Environment and in Society

Example Relationship: Narcissism - Altruism

A Generation Incapable of Relationships?

Closing Remarks

Acknowledgements

NARCISSISM AND ALTRUISM IN DAILY LIFE – BRIEF TESTIMONIALS

With these brief testimonials, we would like to introduce you to the problems that this this book is about. Some of you may have already had similar experiences and asked yourselves, “Why do these people behave like this?” You may also recognize yourself in these accounts and ask yourself, “Why do I have these feelings or behave in this way myself?”

“My parents separated when I was little. My mother beat me and I felt like I had been abandoned by my father. I’m in my mid-thirties now and I haven’t even had a real relationship yet.” – Helena “I‘m

– Helena

“I’m in my early thirties and the CEO of a successful startup. I work a lot, but I still manage to make it to almost every party. I probably drink too much and do too much coke. I see a lot of women, but they all bore me pretty quickly. I don’t develop any feelings for them and I’m not sure if I even could. I often feel empty and indifferent. When I think about it, I would like to have a little family, but I’m restless and I feel like I still have more to achieve. Aside from that, there aren’t any decent women anyway. I tend to see them more as sex objects. Well, that’s just the way they seem to present themselves. Most women don’t have any dignity at all, no class; they’re either out of control or they’re clingers. People often tell me that that I’m afraid of being co-dependent and that I also have difficulties accepting responsibility. It’s probably true too, but what am I supposed to do about that?”

– Leon

“I work in the public sector. My coworkers and I are suffering because of our team leader. His focus is on our mistakes and he spends his time pointing these out, not only to us, but to his boss as well. But, as soon as someone points out any of his mistakes or problems, well they can rest assured that he’s going to find an opportunity to get revenge on them. Usually he goes to the boss and rants about the person who, in his eyes, unjustly criticized him. He also likes to change his mind a lot, so that the way he sees it, you’re already screwing things up the next day - even though you were doing everything right the day before. He just can’t accept when somebody is better, is performing better or can show more results than he can.

Everything that anyone else does, which could be recognized as something positive by his boss, he bad-mouths it and twists it to make himself look better. He is manipulative and it seems as though he’s polarized his boss so much that his boss always believes him more than he believes us. Also, he’s usually hanging around him, so he can make himself look good and reap the rewards. Nobody else seems to interest him at all, because they can’t do anything for him… except maybe doing his work, work he’ll pass off as his own.

Thanks to our team leader, a lot of us get regular headaches, have trouble sleeping or even experience tinnitus. We feel drained, just from feeling helpless and impotent. We feel like we have a psychopath looming over us and that he’s the one who should be in therapy.”

– Simon

“I have a girlfriend, Thea, who I really like a lot, but she is always doing something that leaves me shaking my head and I have to ask myself: Is this the way a true friend really acts? Thea is very self-centered. Her problems are always at the forefront and have to be discussed for hours on end. But then, whenever I bring up one positive thing about me or my boyfriend, then I only get jealousy and resentment in return. I have the feeling that she isn’t even capable of being happy for me or anyone else.

On top of that, she always expects a lot. She often invites herself over and if it things don’t go according to her plan, she can be a real pain in the neck. When she comes to visit me, I always try to be a good host. For me, it goes without saying that I make sure I’m prepared for her visit, I go shopping and can cook for her. I want her to feel like she’s at home and she has everything she needs. On the other hand, when I visit her, she always finds a reason for not having any time to get ready. At the last second, she even tells me to pick up things on the way. It’s not that she doesn’t have any time, but there’s always something at that moment that’s more important to her than I am.

She can find drama in the littlest things. When I visit her and stay at her place, she complains about the stress that she has thanks to me and that she doesn’t have any time because of work, which, of course, is always terrible in her eyes. She also has to wash the bedding because of me and she even calculates all of her extra expenses right in front of me. She manages to give me such a guilty conscience that once, I almost gave her money for water, electricity and laundry detergent. After scenes like that, I feel really unwelcome and I think to myself that there’s no way I’ll ever be able to make her happy. But, had I cancelled the visit, she would have flipped out and never let me forget it.”

– Marlene

“One morning, when my mother was in the hospital with cancer, I got a call from a nurse in her ward and she asked me if I could come into the hospital. When I arrived at my mother’s room, all I saw was an empty bed. Another nurse, busy in the hallway, told me matter-of-factly that my mother had died during the night and they had already taken her away.

At that moment, I couldn’t even comprehend what was going on. I stood there speechless and bewildered in the hallway. Then, a doctor came by and explained to me what had happened during the night and how she died. At the time, nobody seemed to care about how I was coping with the news. For years, despite multiple therapies, I still couldn’t find closure after the sudden death of my mother, something I had never understood.

Today, I understand. I was lacking sympathy from someone, a doctor who could have explained everything to me and simply said, ‘We’re sorry, we tried everything.’

Regardless, even while my mother was still sick, there were situations in the hospital that left both of us stunned. For example, my mother came to one of her follow-up visits after her tumor operation and, in what seemed like an aside, one of the doctors involved said to her, ‘If you would have originally gone to the clinic in Berlin instead of coming here to us, then you wouldn‘t be dying.’ After that, my mother was scared to death. Her condition rapidly got worse and she died shortly thereafter.”

– Irene

“I always wind up with the wrong women, they’re usually cold-hearted and domineering. Whenever I do just one little thing wrong in their eyes or I criticize them - they cut me down to size like I’m the scum of the earth. My mother was the same way. I don’t want to get involved a relationship anymore, even though I yearn for love.”

– Thomas

“All of the men I’ve ever been with are incapable of relationships. For decades, I kept thinking that I was the one with the problem. But in retrospect, I think that my first boyfriend had an inferiority complex because I was studying at a university at the time. The next one didn’t want any children or any responsibility. The third acted as though he wanted children, but he turned out to be a psychopath. He always twisted the facts and invented any proof he needed. He didn’t have any empathy or compassion and never took any responsibility when the going got tough. I had children with him that I had to raise on my own, always on the verge of poverty and alone with all my worries. Many years later, I finally met another man for once. It took me a long time before I found out he was married. The icing on the cake was a man who didn’t want or couldn’t afford the energy needed for a close relationship… or even communication. He was not only jealous, but ruthless. After that, I finally gave up looking for anything worthwhile in men.”

– Clara

“For half a year, a really good friend of mine, Robby, was working with me on a business idea and we planned to found a company. I am a very motivated and active kind of guy and since Robby generally didn’t have much time, and he was already the financier, I started to get the ball rolling. I developed names and a logo, registered domains, worked on the website, tested prototypes… I really got involved with the project and always gave Robby enthusiastic reports on the progress.

At one point, Robby wanted to meet with me and he said that he would stop over at my place. I went outside and Robby was standing there in front of his car. He told me that he had decided that he was going to sell our business idea and everything that we had developed up to that point to his cousin - who had already developed something similar once. I was completely dumbfounded and didn’t even know what to say. He only added, ‘It’s no big deal Nick! Family comes first and besides, all the money tied up in the project is mine anyway. So, take care. I gotta go.’ And with that, he drove off.

I only realized what had just taken place later. He had simply used me to get what he wanted, he stabbed me in the back, robbed me and betrayed me. All the months of work – up in smoke and I couldn’t even do anything about it. We didn’t have a contract or anything like that, because I had completely trusted this long-time friend of mine.”

– Nick

“I have a new girlfriend and I think that it’s really something serious. I would like to talk with the guys about her and introduce her to my circle of friends, but it’s hard for me, because I know what my buddies are like and how they talk about women. You would think that at thirty, a guy would start to grow up, but every time we get together, all they talk about are their latest conquests, wild nights of partying and drug-fueled sex marathons. I don’t want to have to hear anything else like, ‘Hey Noah! Bianca, the one with the big tits, is bringing her girlfriends along. If I can hook up with those two, then I’ll let you have a go with Bianca.’ Or, ‘Hey! Yesterday I got it on with Tina again. That girl will let you do anything you want with her. You know I took advantage of that! And she hasn’t even figured out that I’ve already got something going on with her best friend. She actually thinks that it might turn into a relationship! I have no idea how women can be so stupid and why they always take the bait, but it’s just fine by me.’

Honestly, stuff like that made me feel uncomfortable before, but since I’ve been together with my new girlfriend, I can hardly stand it when she’s even around other men. I can literally hear what they’re thinking. And, I can’t even speak like a decent human being when I’m around them. I don‘t even think that they could be happy for me. I know that they’re actually pretty lonely and would like to have a wife and kids at some point, but they aren’t doing anything to change their attitude or behavior. That’s why I can’t even take any advice they have about my relationship seriously anyway.”

– Noah

Situations like these are all too common and could fill an entire book.

INTRODUCTION

Experiences like these, and the problems associated with them, form the basis of a very specific phenomenon and we would like to shed light this situation. The experiences reported above depict mannerisms that every one of us has been exposed to at some point, in one way or another. They put a strain on our daily lives, our work, our families, our relationships, our wellbeing and our health. In short, they put a strain on our lives.

The scenes above are depictions of narcissistic and altruistic behavior and they also reflect the problems they cause. Sometimes, they are merely annoying, but they can also cause real damage to someone’s psyche, personal development, individual health and to our society as well.

Seen in this light, narcissism and altruism affect everyone and have a definite influence in conditioning every individual’s life. The current state of the scientific research in psychology and personality development regarding this subject is that, although we know the characteristics, manifestations and the effects of narcissism and altruism, we don’t understand the causes, nor can we affect a causal resolution. In the meantime, we hear more and more about a “narcissistic society” or a “generation incapable of relationships.” More and more people are feeling hopelessly abandoned, especially in their interpersonal relationships, by narcissistic behavior in their private or professional lives. This also applies equally well to other areas, such as the economy or politics.

However, this doesn’t have to be the case. When you are finished reading this book, you will be able to make your contribution to the solution. In this book, for the first time ever, you will become acquainted with the causal relationship that triggers narcissism and altruism in all individuals. You will also learn how causal resolution can help you return closer to your inner center – and, in doing so, to more satisfaction in your interpersonal relationships and to greater health, balance and success in your life in general.

Naturally, if you are reading this book, you are probably already taking steps to lead a healthy life like eating well, doing yoga, meditating and being in harmony with yourself or discovering your own spirituality. Now, you also have an opportunity to grasp a decisive key for developing your personality – and using it.

In order to use this key, the next step is recognizing the characteristic features of narcissistic and altruistic behavior. Through this ability, you will have the opportunity to better understand yourself and those around you. Among other realizations, you will be able to recognize why you are the way you are and why your personality or someone else’s has suddenly changed. You will see why you always make the same mistakes in romantic relationships, why you always put the well-being of others ahead of your own or, on the other hand, you are often considered an egoist by the people around you. You will rediscover yourself.

Have you ever observed how a good friend just can‘t let go of their partner? Or how someone suddenly becomes so egotistical?

Would you also like to: Know why your interpersonal relationships often become difficult to manage? Understand a decisive factor, overlooked and unrecognized until now, for difficulties in all types of relationships? Know what is essential for harmonious interpersonal relationships?

Are you the type of person that is easily overwhelmed by other people’s feelings and has difficulties with compassion and empathy? Are you geared toward success, money and power? Is ruthless a word that could describe you? Are there times when you can’t stand yourself?

Perhaps you are a person with a lot of compassion and empathy, who likes helping others, but often neglects themselves, has little motivation and always gets mixed up with the wrong men/ women who mistreat you or don’t want a lasting relationship? Have you already asked yourself why this happens?

Do you also have the feeling that there is a certain lack of humaneness, ethics and morality in public institutions like schools, children’s services, correctional facilities, hospitals and in many areas of the health, legal, economic, scientific and political systems in general? Are the personal interactions you have with these institutions as proper and dignified as you would expect or would like them to be? Have you already had experiences in these areas that have caused a negative influence on your life, for example your health, and have caused unnecessary damage?

Have you ever made a critical examination of your own personality? Does your behavior tend toward the narcissistic or rather toward the altruistic? Or, do you recognize both types of behavior within yourself?

In this book, you will find the answers to these questions and more. In order for this book to provide you with the best results, we recommend that your next step is to take a deep, hard look at yourself: Which personality descriptions accurately describe you? It’s not uncommon for people to have a false impression of themselves or to only consider certain aspects of their personality at any given time. If, for example, you behave altruistically in relationships, you may overlook the fact that you demonstrate narcissistic behavior in your daily life or in your career.

To avoid this, we suggest that you examine each of the characteristics individually in the chapter on “Definitions” and check off what applies to you. It is also helpful to give the list of characteristics to a very dear friend and ask them to check off the characteristics that apply to you – only when they’re not afraid of potentially insulting you. Needless to say, you should be thankful when someone wants to help and assess your character honestly. Only when you are honest to yourself and admit to all your various character traits will you be able to work on your personality successfully.

After that, all you have to do is genuinely take the truths and realizations gained from this book to heart. This includes how narcissism and altruism arise and how you can free yourself from these personality distortions. Of course, anyone can justify several other explanations for the causes, but none of them ever truly satisfied me. If you are the type of person who really likes to get to the bottom of things and come straight to the point, then you are going to like this book. Here, you will find ideas to give you support you in your interpersonal relationships and your daily life.

We are not going to burden you with chapters full of peerreviewed, clinical studies or the like. Nevertheless, our work is based on a serious, systematic approach. Our work on this subject is based on 5 years of empirical, scientific analysis of narcissism and altruism. We have also done an exhaustive search for documentation to test the logical value of the causal connections I found. In the process, we expected that we would possibly have to place limits on our assertions or include cases that posed exceptions to the rule. However, in the course of researching the case histories, we always arrived at one common denominator for all people who had experienced narcissistic or altruistic personality changes. Needless to say, we have also experienced positive personality changes. We have witnessed the resolution of narcissism and altruism in many individuals and we have gotten very appreciative feedback. Still, at the end of the day, it‘s the same as with anything: Don‘t just take our word for it, please try it out for yourself.

Beginning with the mythology from Ovid’s “Metamorphoses,” this book will lead you step by step through:

➙ the characteristic features generally associated with narcissism and altruism,

➙ what the triggers for narcissistic or altruistic personality changes are, and

➙ how you can contribute to developing your own personality within the context of therapy – or even without it.

In this book, you will also be shown the potential that love and forgiveness have for the resolution and the prevention of psychic conflicts. The case examples, the COMPASS work and the testimonials can help you get a feeling for determining the underlying causes and the approach you should take toward your resolution. The names used in the testimonials and case examples have been changed for reasons of privacy.

Lastly, we will consider the importance and the influence of narcissism and altruism on our society and our environment.

For ease of reading, we have made every effort to try to employ neutral language and people of every sex and sexual orientation should consider themselves as duly represented. It is not our intention to prefer or exclude any certain individuals or groups.

In this book, we also switch between “I” and “we,” whereby “I” relates to the discoverer Marion Kohn and “we” is used in relation to both authors.

NARCISSUS IN GREEK MYTHOLOGY

Over 2000 years ago, the Roman poet Ovid recorded the myth of Narcissus in his classic work, “Metamorphoses.” In the Transformation of Echo, we learn that Narcissus’ mother, the nymph Liriope, was surrounded by the waves of Cephissus, a river-god, and swept away. The poem continues by telling us that the product of this abusive intercourse was the baby Narcissus. After the encounter, the river-god didn’t look back. He flowed onward and left the nymph to raise her child alone, providing no assistance. Liriope, curious to know how long Narcissus would live, consulted the blind sage Tiresias and he prophesied that ‘the boy will surely die if he ever knows himself.’

Narcissus grew up into a beautiful lad and was admired and wooed by both the young maidens and his friends alike. However, the fair youth was coy, and he dismissed them all. One nymph, Echo, took her rejection especially hard. Lovesick and embarrassed, she withdrew deep into the lonely caves and forests until her body wasted away, leaving only her petrified bones. Only her voice lived on, doubling every sound. Indifferent to her fate, Narcissus continued to disdain others, just as he had scorned Echo.

One of the slighted virgins prayed to the gods for Narcissus ‘to feel her pain, to love like her, to love in vain.’ The goddess Nemesis took pity on the maiden and answered her prayer. Once, while out hunting, when Narcissus found a cool stream to slake his thirst, he saw his likeness in the still waters and immediately fell in love with this beautiful apparition. He often tried to kiss and embrace his love, but all was for naught. His mirror image escaped him. Desire brought on suffering and when he recognized that his love made no movements of his own, he realized that he was in love with his own reflection. Just as the sage prophesied, the sorrow he experienced, realizing that his self-love was in vain, led to his death. Looking for Narcissus, tree nymphs known as Dryads found only a daffodil, a narcissus flower, at the water’s edge.

Thanks to this myth, the term “narcissism” has a place in the vocabulary of modern psychology. We often associate narcissism with excessive self-love. However, the extent of what we now understand to be involved in the personality disorder, “narcissism,” is much more than that.